Rejection hurts, and that is why leaders need to pay attention to their body language
You are brought into a room to play a computer game. On the screen you see your avatar, a computerized graphic that represents you in this virtual environment. You also spot the avatars for two other players, whom you assume are physically located with their own computers in similar rooms.
At first, it is fun and easy – a simple ball-tossing game on the Internet. Then, about halfway through the game, you notice something odd. It seems as though the other players are excluding you. In fact, they soon stop throwing the ball to you at all and interact only with each other. You don’t know why it’s happening, but you know you are being rejected.
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Later, you are told that there were no other human players, only a software program designed to exclude the test subject (you!) at some point. But even when you learn the truth, you can’t shake the feeling of being snubbed. You still feel like you were left out of the game for personal reasons.
At least that is how you respond if you are typical of the subjects in this experiment held by social neuroscientists at the University of California at Los Angeles (UCLA) a few years back. The research project was designed to make people experience rejection, and then study what happens in their brains as a result.
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) equipment, researchers tracked the blood flow in the brains of “rejected” subjects. They made a surprising discovery: When someone feels excluded, there is a corresponding activity in the dorsal portion of the anterior cingulate cortex – the neural region involved in the “suffering” component of pain. In other words, they found that the feeling of being excluded provokes the same sort of reaction in the brain that physical pain might cause. It was also found that both physical and emotional suffering respond positively to Tylenol.
This research is meaningful for business leaders, as the experiment shows that it doesn’t take much to make people feel left out.
This finding is especially interesting to me as an executive coach and body language expert. As I’ve often told leaders, the nonverbal signals that make someone feel excluded or unimportant are often slight: letting your gaze wander while they are talking, leaning back, crossing your arms, or angling your torso even a quarter turn away (in essence, giving someone “the cold shoulder”).
If you were my client, I’d also let you know that an occasional lapse won’t demoralize your team. But if you are continually off-handed, neglectful or unresponsive to specific individuals, your nonverbal behaviour could be seriously destructive to the trust and collaboration you seek to foster.
I’ve seen how team spirit can fall apart when individuals who feel ignored or undervalued start to withdraw. The sense of unease created by that withdrawal then broadcasts itself subliminally (by a process called “emotional contagion”) to the whole group. And there goes the leader’s hopes for high morale, collaboration, and productivity.
The next time you lead a meeting, consider the UCLA research. When you seem to favour certain people through positive body language cues – like smiling, making eye contact, or leaning in – while excluding others with your body language, it can create “hurt” feelings that are genuinely painful.
Dr. Carol Kinsey Goman is an expert in nonverbal communication, body language, and leadership presence. She is a speaker, author, and executive coach who works with business leaders and organizations to improve their communication and leadership skills. Goman has written several books, including STAND OUT: How to Build Your Leadership Presence, which explores how nonverbal cues impact leadership effectiveness. With a background in psychology, she combines research in neuroscience with practical insights to help leaders understand the power of body language in building trust, influencing others, and fostering collaboration.
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